what if...

For some unbeknown reason I have been feeling oddly nostalgic lately.

That's not entirely true; I'm always nostalgic. Example, keeping little plastic thimbles from the hospital because they made it possible for the babe to get all momma's good milk those first few days. What can I do with them? Nothing. Yet a large part of me was saddened when I threw them away. At least, I think I threw them away... they might be nestled deep in a safe place where I can pull them out and remember the first days of life.

But I've been feeling a stronger pull to do things I have always wanted to do and right any wrongs I have committed. I think motherhood brings that out. Watching the little bundle that is so new start walking and talking and getting attitude reinforced the vapor that is life.

I've been saying a lot of what ifs. If I had had looked left, instead of right, my life would be completely different. Not nearly as good, I don't believe, but so different. Bodhi? maybe not here. How could I live if he never was?

I'm so happy with my life right now. Yet there are still aspects of it that can be improved: I could own my natural momma store with tons of cloth diapers and slings and teas and a nursing nook for new mommas to come in and be surrounded by love and encouragement.

I could have a much better schedule where I snuggle with my baby all day while he still lets me and ignore bills and laundry and email.

What if I had done everything I was going to do but didn't, and not do the things I said I wouldn't do, but did.

The longer I think about it the more I come back to the fact that I can say what if all I want, but that won't change anything. Accept the moment I'm in, live for it and the people in it.

I've strayed far from my initial thought of nostalgia. Maybe it's the combined 6 hours of sleep I have gotten the past two nights, or the excess of caffeine running through my veins, I don't really know or care, but my brain is having a hard time starting and getting back on track.

In the meantime, I want to start a new hobbythat has always been in the back of my mind. I'm thinking the garage would be a great place for a spinning wheel and big tub of mud. Now, anyone out there have a wheel I can borrow? :)